The Disneyland Chronicles
by Jase Andrews
Summary: Ever wonder what happens behind the scenes at Disneyland? Find out here, with these handy short stories about TOTALLY TRUE events at Disneyland. Really!
1. Toes

_"To all that come to this happy place: welcome.  
Disneyland is your land.  
Here age relives fond memories of the past, and here youth  
may savor the challenge and promise of the future.  
Disneyland is dedicated to the ideals, the dreams,  
and the hard facts that have created America...  
with hope that you will consider every penny spent here  
an investment in joy for the world."  
-- Disneyland's dedication_

The following are a series of events that have taken place at Disneyland. They are absolutely, undoubtedly, improbably true. These chronicles, hidden until now, have been unearthed to share the magic with you at home, so you can always keep the Disney magic in your heart. 

And so you don't flame the pants off of me.

o.O.o.O.o.O.o

**Mickey Stubs His Toe During Fantasmic**

Audiences were crowded around the railing in New Orleans Square to watch Fantasmic, the big, gigantic production that told you to follow your dreams, wish upon a star, but most importantly, to know that Mickey Mouse is so much cooler than that stupid Bugs Bunny.

It was at the part of the show where Maleficent rises as the dragon and wreaks havoc, and Mickey appeared to save the day.

But something went wrong.

Horribly, terribly wrong.

"You may think you're so powerful," Mickey said boldly, as usual, "But this is MY drea-…OW!"

Mickey had stubbed his toe. Dropping his sword, he grabbed his large foot and started hopping around on Tom Sawyer's Island, holding it gingerly.

"Ahhh! Damn it!" he screamed, the speakers picking up every single word he said. Well, he WAS in excruciating pain. Maleficent stared at him.

Suddenly, Mickey hopped to close to the edge. He fell into the Rivers of America (which is technically only one river) with a great splash, and all the little tykes in the audience gasped.

"Quick!" The show coordinator yelled backstage, trying to keep things moving, "Cue the boat!"

Suddenly, the music picked up, Maleficent shrank away, and the Mark Twain steamboat came out with all the characters and their little sissy girly streamers. Waving them wildly to the music, nobody on the boat heard the loud _THUNK_ as it passed over the part where Mickey fell in the water. Little kids who were listening very closely, however, did.

Many parents had a lot of explaining to do on the car ride home.


	2. Princess Power

**Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine are Mad That They Don't Have Dark Rides**

Ariel, Belle and Jasmine stormed up to City Hall.

"Can I help you?" said the woman working at the counter. She had big glasses and a hairstyle that looked like a bee's nest. Her name tag read "Meryl."

"Yes, we'd like to file a complaint" Jasmine said, in her trademark outfit that ironically violated the Disneyland dress code.

"There aren't any rides based on our movies!" Belle said, complaining.

Ariel nodded.

"You'll have to fill out this form in triplicate," Meryl said, giving Jasmine a pink piece of paper with hundreds of boxes and lines on it. She took a seat and began to fill it out.

"This is ridiculous! I'm in the freakin' Parade of Dreams! I'm the movie that brought this company out of a ten year slump! I was the sexiest Disney character since Cinderella!" Ariel signed with her hands – she had lost her voice to the sea witch. Or some sort of cold.

"And I charmed millions of little girls with my compassion and love! Now if I don't get a f--king ride soon I'm going to go commando on this park!" Belle added.

Meryl sighed. The Pixar characters had done this exact same thing three years ago…

"Done!" Jasmine finally said triumphantly, slamming the papers down on the desk.

All of a sudden, the sun set. A bright glow suddenly surrounded Ariel, and the main theme of "Part of Your World" by Ashman/Menken could be heard echoing through the halls. Ariel fell to the ground, once again a mermaid.

"Damn it!" Ariel said, crossing her arms and pouting, "Does this ALWAYS have to happen?"

Jasmine and Belle looked at each other.

"I ain't carryin' her," Jasmine said first, beating Belle to the punch. Belle rolled her eyes, got an official Disneyland Resort© wheelchair, and soon, the three were walking/being pushed down Main Street.

"This is so stupid. Sure, they make attractions about a man in tights taking young children to Neverland, a toad that goes to hell, a girl that falls down a rabbit hole because of a negligent sister, and a wooden boy that has a cricket as his voice of reason. But we're left in the cold, forced to do Meet 'n Greets all day." Ariel said.

"At least you have a designated area," Belle said, "Usually they just stick me in front of the bloody castle."

Hundreds of wide-eyed little girls had asked for the princesses' autographs at this point, but being in their moody and angry states, they had ignored each and every one of them.

The girls now stopped in front of Sleeping Beauty's Castle, and looked up at the building in all its majesty.

"Aurora is such a slut," Jasmine said a minute later.

"Totally," agreed Belle. Suddenly Snow White came over from her wishing well.

"Oh, hello girls," she said smugly, like the cocky, self-centered, egotistical mirror-loving girl she is.

"Hello," Ariel said nonchalantly.

"Wondering around aimlessly? Figures. You three don't have a place to call home."

"Shut up, Snow White!" Belle said defensively, "At least OUR movies won Academy Awards!"

"Oh yeah? Well mine got a special award!"

"Yeah…Special ED!" Jasmine shot back lamely, as that was the best she could think of.

"Oh that's it," Snow White said, and lunged at Belle. Belle ducked out of the way and Snow White crashed into Ariel, sending her flying into the moat.

Belle and Jasmine both jumped on Snow White, and guests crowded around to watch.

Cinderella came running out of Fantasyland.

"I'll help you girls! I don't have a ride either!" she said. But she lost her shoe on the drawbridge, and had to run back and get it.

Minutes later, Belle and Jasmine got up off the ground, and stared down at Snow White.

She was dead.

Or maybe just knocked out.

Suddenly, from behind them, the water in the moat started to bubble. A bright light shot out and another rousing orchestration of "Part of Your World" could be heard. Seconds later, Ariel burst up through the water and soggily walked up to Jasmine and Belle.

"Did I miss it?" Ariel asked, staring down at Snow White.

"Yup."

"…Damn."


	3. Haha, You're Arrested

A/N: The following chronicle was accounted and retold by author Werecat Boy. I thank him for his accurate and detailed retelling. For some of his stories, please visit his Profile!

o.O.o.O.o.O.o

**A Few Bad Apples**

_Retold by Werecat Boy_

It was a bright shining day as the gates to Disneyland opened, and thousands of smiling guests poured in down Main Street. Making her way through the crowd was a hunched over old beggar woman pushing a covered cart. The old woman looked over the happy guests and cackled maliciously to herself.

"Heh heh, look at all those smiling fools, coming in to enjoy their 'magical' day. Bah Makes me sick," the Evil Queen grumbled to herself in her old witch disguise. "So, that rotten brat thinks she can shut down my apple-selling operation in Fantasyland, eh? Well, I'll show her " The Evil Queen then began to uncover the sheet off her wagon, revealing a mini fruit cart inscribed "Grimhilde's Fruit Goodies."

"Come and get your nice fresh juicy apples " the old witch barked to the crowd. "Don't be left out now You haven't experienced a trip to the Magic Kingdom without trying one of our one-of-a-kind apples "

A little boy then skipped up to the cart, pulling his mother (already exhausted even after being in the park for half an hour) along. "Mommie, mommie I want an apple " the child jumped up and down.

"Not now dear, I thought you said you wanted to go the Matterhorn." The mother then shot an icy glance at the old woman. "Besides, I wouldn't trust any fruit from a woman that ugly even if she is a Disney employee." The mother pulled her little child away and they began to head down Main Street.

After hours of calling out to guests, the witch was starting to lose her voice and started to consider packing up her wares. Just as she was about to roll the cart away, an important looking man in a business executive-style suit stepped up to the old witch. "I'll take an apple, please."

"That'll be 15 dollars," the Queen answered.

"15 dollars? "

"What do you expect? This is Disneyland "

"Fine " the man handed over the money, and took a bit of the apple. "Mmm, it's nice and juicy." Suddenly, the man collapsed to the ground under the sleeping death, as the queen cackled to herself. Before she could take joy in the sight of her victim's demise, two men in black sunglasses and suits with walkie-talkies stepped up to the queen.

"Looks like we got a 515 in progress," one of the men said into the walkie-talkies. "Swarm Swarm " In a flash, dozens of Disneyland security guards surrounded the old hag.

"What's going on? " the witch demanded.

"You're going away for a long time for what you did to Mr. Iger, witchy."

A bunch of Main Street Keystone Kops then appeared on the scene and threw the witch into the back of a paddy wagon before motoring down to City Hall, where the Evil Queen was booked and forced to be trapped inside a tiny room atop Snow White's Scary Adventures for months; her only enjoyment being looking out the window down at the happy smiling guests.

And shortly after being locked up, Snow White stepped outside the attraction and taunted the Queen by throwing rocks at the window and shouting obscenities. "That's what you get for forcing me to work as a maid, you rotten bitch!" This spectacle however soon came to an end after a few minutes, when Snow White was hauled off backstage to cool down and to keep her away from impressionable children's ears.


	4. Ooo, Spooky Bongos!

**The Tower of Terror Malfunctions Causing Chaos And Fist Shaking**

"Woo! We're going on the Tower of Terror!" Squealed Mickey as he dashed to the queue. He did a stereotypical jump of glee and froze in the air a few seconds, fist in the air triumphantly and heels just about to click.

"Why does he have to be so excited about EVERYTHING?" Minnie said, rolling her eyes and walking past the mouse in midair. Mickey landed, and turned around to the others. Donald, Goofy, Pluto and Daisy all stared at him.

"Someone one needs to lay off the estrogen," Daisy said dismissively, and joined Minnie walking towards the hotel. Donald babbled something incoherently, because he's Donald.

"No kiddin' Donald," Goofy agreed. Pluto 'marked his sent' on a bush they passed.

Soon, they rounded a corner and saw the Tower of Terror in the distance. Thunderclouds suddenly zoomed in from either sides of the sky and lightning flashed brilliantly in the sky. Thunder sounded.

It had been absolutely clear a few seconds earlier.

"Don'tcha just LOVE Disney magic!" Mickey said gaily and headed towards the entrance.

"If it weren't for Disney magic, we wouldn't have to put up with YOU," Goofy muttered under his breath.

Donald babbled something incoherently, but it might have been that Minnie looked like a hooker in that polka-dot dress.

To which Minnie replied, "Oh, shut up you CENSORED."

The gang soon entered the hotel, drinking in the atmosphere like a dehydrated camel. Suddenly, more lightning flashed, and everyone shielded their eyes from the bright light. When they opened their eyes, a bellhop that resembled a young Hannibal Lecter had appeared.

"Welcome to the Hollywood Tower Hotel," he said in a somber tone. Mickey cheered gleefully. The bellhop led them to the library, where the door slid shut behind them.

"Geez, Haunted Mansion much?" Daisy whispered to Minnie. Suddenly the lights went out. The TV flickered, and Rod Serling appeared on a TV in the room.

"Hollywood, 1939. Amidst the-"

"We know, we KNOW!" Minnie interrupted, "Now go away and promote your Cheez Whiz."

Rod scowled. "Fine. Be that way," the TV said back. The lights snapped back on, and the entrance to the boiler room opened.

After waiting impatiently in the line for the elevator to come back down, the doors creaked open and thunder boomed. Donald walked into the elevator and the others were about to follow, when all of a sudden the metal doors snapped shut. Blue sparks of electricity raced down the crack of the closed doors, and the group listened as the elevator suddenly wooshed upwards.

"I think something's wrong," Mickey said stupidly.

"No duh!" Daisy yelled, and went over to the bellhop. "What's wrong!"

"Seems like the safety key wasn't turned the right way," the bellhop replied.

"What!" Daisy barked. She and the others listened to the elevator. They heard a distant 'ding!', and suddenly, the elevator could be heard wooshing back down towards them. Donald's squawking and rambling became echo-y, then…nonexistent.

When the elevator doors opened, smoke and steam escaped. The seats were sizzling. Donald was gone.

Daisy glared and started shaking her fist. "Son of a-"

"Donald has now entered a world of sight," Rod Sterling interrupted, stepping into view in front of the others, "A world of sound…The Twilight Zone!"

Bongos mysteriously reverberated around the basement.


	5. Tiki Trap of Dooooooooooooooooooooooooom

**Jafar Works In The Tiki Room**

"Oh! Mi amigos! My days here are getting shorter and shorter," Jose said one afternoon in Walt Disney's Enchanted Tiki Room.

"What do you mean?" Pierre asked in all his Frenchness.

"It means I'm not getting any younger, you twit. I want a vacation! And before I die or become replaced by a Pixar attraction! I want one right now actually!"

He flew over to the phone that Cast Members used in case of emergencies, and began dialing.

"Who ach you calling?" Fritz asked.

"A good friend of mine to take my place for a week," Jose said, "Don't worry, he'll fit right in here."

The next morning, Jafar showed up at the Tiki Room. The other birds looked at each other nervously.

"Now, I know a few of you may be apprehensive about working with me," Jafar said, in all of his smarminess, "but don't worry. I think I'll do just fine in here."

Soon the Tiki Room opened, and the first show began. Jafar, sitting on Jose's perch like it was a swing, began to speak.

"Ohhh! My evil trances are getting shorter and shorter. Oh, look at all the infidels! And welcome to Walt Disney's Enchanted Tiki Room, starring ME! A-HA, HA HA HA HA! Hey Michael, you feathered dunce! Wake up!"

Michael paused for a second, before going on with his lines.

"Er…what darlin' people I have sittin' under me. Pierre you rascal you, let's put on the show."

"Mon ami I am always ready as you say to put on the show."

"INSOLENT LITTLE FOOLS!" Jafar suddenly interrupted, "YOU HAVE ALL FALLEN INTO MY TIKI TRAP OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" And with that, he rocketed everyone in the audience to the ends of the earth.

"Well, that was fun," Jafar said, as the other birds gawked at him, "What time is the next show?"

Needless to say, the rest of the day pretty much went on like that.

That night, while everyone was sleeping, Fritz called Jose. He was, ironically, at the Canary Islands.

"Jose, you've got to come back! Jafar is terrible! He kept sending audiences to the ends of the earth!"

"Really? That doesn't sound like the Jafar I know."

"Seriously! He's insane!"

"Nah…you must be talking about someone else."

And with that, he hung up.

Fritz sighed, and turned around to see Jafar had woken up, and was now listening to his conversation.

"Ach! Mein Goodness!" He yelped, but it was too late. Jafar aimed his staff at the bird, and a split second later, all that remained was a feather or two. Jafar cackled evilly, and loudly.

The other birds were still fast asleep.

Finally, the week was up. Jose returned from vacation, and thanked Jafar for helping out.

"By the way, what happened to Fritz?" Jose asked, looking around.

"He's…um…with Rosita!" Jafar said brightly.

"Lucky," Jose grumbled.


	6. The Pirate and the Drugged Up Girl

**Jack Sparrow and Alice Rendezvous in New Orleans Square and Get Some Drinks**

It was a quiet night in Disneyland. The tourists with their cameras taking flash pictures on the Haunted Mansion had been arrested, the annual passholders finally got their lazy butts of the benches they sat on every single day, and the only thing that remained was the occasional (yet highly unnecessary) tumbleweed that rolled through Main Street, USA.

Or was it?

In New Orleans Square, a pirate leaned against a brick wall. Now, the brick wall wasn't very fond of this, being leaned against and all, but considering who it was, he didn't particularly mind.

It was none other than Captain Jack Sparrow.

He was waiting for someone. And as he waited, he absentmindedly thunked his blinged-out hand against the wall.

But our story isn't about a wall.

Or is it?

Suddenly, Jack heard a voice.

"Hello Jack! Sorry I'm late."

Jack looked up to see who he was waiting for: Alice.

"Ello love," Jack said, leaving the brick wall. The brick wall sighed.

"I've reserved us a table for two at The Blue Bayou," Jack said, giving his trademark grin that got Johnny Depp a hundred million dollars.

"Oh, how marvelous!" Alice said, clasping her hands together, "I've always wanted to eat there."

"Yes, it's always so expensive," Jack said as they headed to the restaurant.

They then enjoyed a romantic dinner together in the calm candlelight, watching empty boats go by and listening to the man play his banjo over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until Jack got fed up, threw the man into the river, and put Tia Dalma in his place, which pleased everyone because the movies are SO much better than the original ride which they were based off because the Disney Company is running low on ideas.

"Anyways, where were we?" Jack asked, returning to the table.

"Well Jack," Alice said, touching his hand gingerly on the table. Jack's heartrate picked up.

"I…don't think this can work anymore. We're from two different worlds."

"No! It has to! We're perfect for each other!" Jack said, tears forming in his eyes.

"I know. But I'm from Fantasyland, and you're from New Orleans Square…it can't work. I still love you…remember that," Alice said, standing and walking away, leaving a dumbstruck Jack sitting at the table.

Suddenly he noticed the open bar across the way.

"Ooo…rum," he mused, walking girlishly over to the bar.


	7. License to KILL Dun Dun Dun

**Stitch Gets What's Coming to Him (Thank God) **

The blue hellion made his way through Disneyland, smiling broadly with a giant booger hanging out of his nose.

Little kids loved him.

Must be some sort of terrible youth disease.

From one of the roofs on Main Street, a voice called "Okay, here he comes. Get down, everyone."

They crouched down. The one who had spoken slowly raised the sniper rifle…

Down below, Stitch suddenly jerked back, fell to the grown and started to writhe.

"MEEGA! CHRISTA NANNA BOOBOOGLAPPPA!" He yelled, but since he's Stitch, nobody understood him. Nobody cared what he had to say as well.

Soon, the little alien was dead. A Main Street garbage man swept up his body and threw it in the nearest waste receptacle.

"We did it!" Doc said from the roof triumphantly, holding the gun high in the air. The other dwarves cheered.


	8. Ohmigawd, Chanel!

**The Land of Forgotten Disney Movies Calls Our Highly Superior Chum** **On The Telly**

"So, omigawd, did you hear? DLP just bought a new Chanel handbag that SOOOO goes with her POTC ride!" Disneyland gushed while talking to Disney's California Adventure.

"Lucky! That's so cool, I wish I was in Paris!" Disney's California Adventure sighed wistfully, knowing that deep down, it was really a scar on the face of the earth, with the exception of three or four good shows and attractions.

"Yeah, I know! I was like, 'So have you heard from Tokyo Disneyland yet,' and then all of a sudden Disneyland Paris is like 'I got a Chanel Handbag!' and I was like 'OMG!'."

Suddenly, Disneyland's cell phone rang. Its ring tone was a pop remix of "It's a Small World."

"Hang on, DCA, I gotta take this," Disneyland said, and answered.

"Yello?"

"Hey Disneyland…it's me," came a somewhat sullen voice on the other end.

"Disney World! Hiiiii!" Disneyland said, chipper as can be, "How are ya!"

"Not so great," Disney World said, "We're getting a new show here… 'The Rescuers: A Musical Spectacular in Technicolor and Electrosynthemagnetic Musical Sound.'"

"Bummer!" Disneyland said sympathetically, filing its nails.

"You guys getting anything new?" Disney World asked.

"Oh, not much…just a new Nightmare Before Christmas ride, all new dazzling effects in the Haunted Mansion, and a second level to It's a Small World that will feature aliens and politically correct dolls," Disneyland replied, with a slightly bored tone to its voice.

Disney World was silent for a moment.

Then it hung up.

Staring at its phone, mouth agape, Disneyland exclaimed, shocked: "Ruuuuuude!"

"Totally," agreed Disney's California Adventure.

"Y'know Cali," Disneyland mused, "I've been thinking. You know, how Disneyland is the official Happiest Place on Earth, and we get all new refurbishments and a huger budget than Disney World does, even though they get way more tourists, but because we're the original park it's like I'm the best?"

"Yeah?" Disney's California Adventure replied.

"Isn't it **great**!" Disneyland said enthusiastically.


	9. Marital Bliss

**Jessica Just Doesn't Care Anymore**

Roger Rabbit came home from a hard day of…whatever the heck it is he does. Throwing his Fendi briefcase on a chair near the door, and hanging up his overcoat and fedora, he loudly and lisp-ily pronounced "Honey, I'm hoo-ooome!"

"Okay," came a dull voice back.

Roger sighed. It had been like this for years now. Ever since the eighties, Jessica had started to let herself go. And Roger still loved her, sure…but he was becoming less attracted to her physically.

He came into the living room to see his wife watching "All My Children," wearing sweat pants and a giant sweater that said "Michael Bolton Christmas Tour '97" on it.

"So!" Roger said, attempting conversation, "How was your day?"

"Miserable," Jessica whined, "That frickin' Pirates of the Caribbean bust has been voted as the number one hottest redhead of all time in Forbes magazine, and I'm down to number six!"

"Well," Roger said, choosing his words carefully, "Maybe you should work out a little! You know, I remember that sexy girl I fell in love with back in the 30's…"

Jessica glared at him.

"So you hate the way I look? I'm sorry that I've realized my life has passed its prime! I'm sorry that I've realized that men get turned on by princesses and mermaids and historically inaccurate figures instead of my type now!"

"Stupid Pocahontas," she added under her breath.

"But Jessica darling, I was just-"

"Yes, back in the '40s, everything was just all pretty and fine, wasn't it! Well do you realize how much back pain I have now because of my ample chest? At least they MATCH now!"

Roger ignored the subtle sexual comments (and added this sentence so you would realize they were there), and tried to cheer up his wife.

"Maybe we could go out to eat at the Ink & Paint Club! I hear that Daffy Duck is-"

All of a sudden, there was a loud bang, and roger fell to the floor with a bullet through his leg. In stepped Michael Eisner, carrying a rifle.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Rabbit, but that movie was a one-time exception. We're no longer aloud to mention any non-Disney Characters, including Warner Brothers, Hanna-Barbera Productions, Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer, DreamWorks, Sony Pictures, Nickelodeon, and a bunch of other obscure companies that don't matter."

"Metro-Godlwyn-Meyer?" gasped Roger, "But isn't there a park in Walt Disney Wo-"

"Yes, we're working on eliminating that, too," Eisner replied. And with that, he kicked the rabbit out of the house.

Turning, he saw Jessica sitting on the couch.

"Hey, good lookin'!" Mikey said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Go away!" Jessica screamed, and threw a bucket of chicken that happened to be in the sofa cushion at the former CEO.

"Ooo, feisty!" he said, ducking and running outside. Jessica groaned.

Changing the channel, she found the shopping network.

"Ooo, an automatic bunion remover…"


	10. Buffalo Give It Poor Reviews

**The Characters of "The Lion King" watch the Broadway Production of "The Lion King" and (Unsurprisingly) Hate It**

DISNEYLAND - So the other day, a broadway production of The Lion King was performed in Disneyland. Like, on Alice in Wonderland or something. It got rave reviews from everyone, except from the cast of the Lion King movie, which was kind of odd.

"They TOTALLY misrepresented us!" Simba told reporters with a moan, complaining how the child actor who portrayed him was entirely too crazy, and said that he never ran around with his claws out screaming randomly when HE was a cub.

"And what was with those costumes? This is Lion King, not Brother Bear; at least Zazu was an actual full animal."

Timon and Pumbaa were not available for comment, but it is speculated that Timon hated that ugly shade of green, and Pumbaa did not like how 'dead' his character looked (with all those ribs sticking out, y'know.)

The entire herd of buffalo was offended too.

"This is an outrage!" one of them commented, the others nodding in approval, "Our scene was supposed to grip fear in your hearts! Hell, we could see the wire that Mufasa was connected to as he 'fell'! That's not scary at all!"

When other Disney characters were interviewed regarding the Lion King, they all said they loved it. Stitch found Nala especially tantalizing, with just the right amount of soy sauce.

"You just wait," growled Rafiki angrily, "We'll get Beauty and the Beast to be performed here, and then see how Belle and The Beast like it!"


End file.
